Why did I self publish?

Those close to me know that ever since I leaned to compose my first complete sentence, writing has been a passion of mine. At that time, and experience level in my life, most of mine stories was about whatever stray dog was dumped at our house that day or that week or to aggravate my older, teenage, sisters by writing stories about them getting a pimple.

As writing, and reading, became a very important part of every day of my waking hours, the goal of having my words in print, either formatted in a hard cove or paperback format was a dream of mine.  I began to submit my unedited, manuscripts and query letters to any and every publishing house that I could think of.  To which, the only type if replies that I would receive were rejection letters. 

Decades later, I received my first acceptance letter for the Prayers of Motherhood manuscript.  To say that I was excited would be an understatement.  Having been taught to read the small print before you sign on the dotted line, I began reading the contract; I had studied to be a Paralegal.  I found the, smoking, small print of the very last page where it stated that in order for them to start the publishing process on my book, they will need close to $4,000 for the PR and Marketing cost.  At the time I was an unemployed, single mother.  I did not have $4,000 and was not willing to put my self or allow my family go in debt, so that I could have my first book published.

Homeward Bound

The following days after giving birth felt like, literally, riding an emotional roller coaster.  As the Estrogen and Endorphins began to battle against each other to see which one would reach its normal level first. Leaving me feeling confused, emotional, and exhausted.  Needing some sort of clarity, I said a silent prayer:

"Lord, I am feeling some kind of way right now.  A way that I have never felt before.  Are these normal post system of child birth?  Oh Lord, I cannot stand feeling this way."

Because I began running a fever, and my son was having trouble breathing, we stayed in the hospital for a week before we were released.  As a hospital orderly pushed me to my sister's waiting car, I said a silent prayer:

"Lord,"
"Yes, Rachel."
"What are they thinking releasing this innocent infant into my care?"
"You will be fine Rachel."
"But, I do not know anything about taking care of an infant."
"Recall how you have helped your sisters raise their children."
"But, they went home in thirty minutes to an hour later."
"You learned more than you think."
"I understand Lord but I will be responsible for him 24/7 365 day a year."
"I will be there each second to help you."
"Thank you, Lord."

     As I cautiously maneuvered myself into the back seat of my sister's car I unknowingly placed my arm around my son for the short ride home.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!

You can now purchase the entire Prayers of Motherhood series on Amazon or Kindle.

Hey Guys! Sorry for the lapse in posts but I have been creating a backlog of drafts and working on a special project; which will be revealed in the next couple of weeks.  So stay tuned.

Love you guys,  My sisters and brothers in Christ.

A Question Prayer

Dear God;

Let thy will be done.

As you know we had on election for the next President of the United States.  We both know who I voted for but when it is all said and done the candidate that you have pre-chosen won in the end.  So that all events will occur before your son Jesus Christ will return.  Knowing and  fully believing in this I need to ask you a few questions about the current state of this world.

One of the candidates said that they will send a group of people, who they categorized as minorities, back to their birth countries.  Lord, do they not know that you created everyone and everything on this earth?

If they were successful in returning minorities to their earthly homeland who will spend money in the stores to help contribute to the economy?

Lord, do they not know, or accept and acknowledge, that you are King ?  That you created everything and everyone and while they may make promises about what they will be able to do, once and if, they are elected you are a God whose promises never changes.

Although they want to seat on the throne of President of the United States, You will forever sit on the Heavenly throne.
 

A Child of God response to the election results.

Okay we know that Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States of America.

  This morning when I googled the election the first words out of my mouth was: "To God be Glory."  Meaning that I believe that God's will was done. 

What did I do next?  Wake my son up to get ready for school and then went on with my morning.

Why?

 I am fifty two years old and have been through several elections.  Some of the candidates I voted for won and some lost.  After each of these elections my bills still needed to be paid, I was still responsible for clothing, maintaining a roof over my son and my heads, and feeding the both of us; Through the glory of God.

What will I do tomorrow?

Wake up, help my son get ready for school, pray, and go on with my life.

In case you were wondering I am an African American child of God.

Prayers of Motherhood: Lord, I'm a Mother

Eight and a half months into my pregnancy, during my weekly OBGYN appointment, the nurse abruptly excused herself from the exam room.  A few moments later she came back in with the doctor.  The doctor immediately placed her stethoscope on my stomach and a few minutes later told me that they need to admit me to the hospital because they could not hear any amniotic fluid around the baby. 

The doctor's office was on the top floor of the hospital.  So, before I was calling my sister to bring my over night bag that I had pre packed, signing admitting papers, disrobed, hooked up to an IV, and they had induced my labor.  All in the matter of two hours. 

With the rush of my morning, and the unknown about giving birth for the first time, I had a difficult time relaxing.  To help me relax they decided to give me an epidural.  Thank God for the person who invented it!

From 1:00pm until 8:00am the next morning my labor was pretty uneventful.  Then at 8:15 the next morning the baby's heart monitor begin to alarm at the same time my blood pressure began to rise and I began running a fever as the baby heart rate slowed down.  The next thing I knew I was on a gurney being rushed to the OR for an emergency C-section.  At exactly 8:39am the doctor was holding up a five pound baby boy for me to see for the first time.

Prayers of Motherhood: Hugging the Pocerlain Throne

I have always had a love affair with food.  Especially if it falls in the Junk category.  Also, fast food and heavily processed food was easy to prepare and convenient.  To sit down after a long day work and enjoy a good meal was a wonderful end to any day.  So, when morning sickness  hit me like a brick to say that it through me for a loop would be an understatement.

The first change in my diet was craving foods that would have caused me to gag in the past.  One of my mom's favorite deserts was a sponge cake cup filled with cottage cheese topped with strawberries.  My least favorite ingredient on this desert is cottage cheese.  Now I was craving the same food.

But the one change that really affected me was when the smell of poultry and other meats begin to cause me to gag or run into the bathroom to hug the porcelain throne.  Being unable to tolerate the smell of food and some taste of food I became worried that me or my child was not getting the same nutrition I prayed.

"Lord, is this a joke.  You know how much I enjoy eating a good meal but now I enjoy it for a few minutes before I have to go and hug the porcelain throne.  Also, I do not understand why it is called morning sickness because I am sick at any time of the day.  Because of this I am beginning to worry about both my and my baby's health and nutrition.  You know how much nourishment we need please help me to be able to keep down enough food down for both me and the baby.  I pray this in Jesus name Amen.

As my pregnancy progressed I learned to adjust my diet to include food that did not upset my stomach.  I even came to began to enjoy other foods such as cottage cheese.

Prayers of Motherhood: Back Pain and Slight Fever

I sat in my Nurse Practitioner's office complaining of lower back pain and a slight fever.  She immediately ordered blood and urine test.  A few moments later she reentered the exam room  and asked me an odd question: "Are you late?"  Misunderstanding the question I immediately answered: "No, I have the day off from work."

She lets out a little laugh and said: "No, I am talking about your period."

I told her that I was not sure because it wasn't time for it.  So she told me that if it was late to consider taking a pregnancy test and come to see her.  I said okay and left her office.

More than four weeks passed before I remembered my Nurse Practitioners instructions while I was in the drug store waiting for another prescription to be filled.  Becoming tired sitting on the fold out chairs I took a walk down the feminine products aisle and began comparing prices on pregnancy tests.

The next morning I stood in the bathroom holding a pregnancy test stick with a bright red plus sign showing in the window. 

Still in a state of shock I said a four word prayer: "Lord, I am pregnant!"

The following week my Nurse Practitioner confirmed the results.  I was about to become a mother at the age of thirty nine.

Feeling stressed out about the change that was about to occur in my life, at some point, I prayed.

"Lord, I am about to be a mother.  becoming responsible for someone else's life when I have been only responsible for mine.  I am so afraid and confused.  You know what I need Lord.  Please help and guide me according to your will.  In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

With my hormones raging the stress and apprehension did not ease up over night.  However, day by day I was able to handle whatever surprises the first trimester threw at me.  Or so I thought.

Prayers of Motherhood

Hey Guys! Sorry about the time between posts but as you know sometimes life just happens.  Thank God it was not anything negative or life threatening I was simply busy creating a back list of drafts for upcoming topics.

The new series that I am beginning today titled Prayers of Motherhood.  This series will help you to understand how prayer helped me adjust to one of the happiest, but also difficult, changing time in my life. 

We will began with why I, and how I was taught to. pray.

From an early age part of our nightly routine was to kneel beside my grandmother's bed and recite the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6: 9-13).  We were not allowed to lay our heads on our pillow until we recited it correctly: word for word.  Then in high school I met a woman named Miss B, who taught me that I could pray at any time of the day no matter what I was doing. 

Prayer has been a constant part of my every day routine; whether I was aware that I was praying or not.  But, it never helped me more than the time I became a mother.

A mew blog is coming

Hey Guys!

Sorry that it has been a while between blogs.  I am currently stock piling drafts and at the same time getting my son ready for school.  but, a new post is on its way!

None more special than these (fictional for me...)

Lord in your word you say in Matthew 19:14 "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." 

Lord, is my childhood innocence there cashing in on her inheritance, after she was taken from me so abruptly. Did she come to you violently as if thrown on to a concrete floor forcefully that it knocked her unconscious; as I had been.  Or did she ascend into heaven like a feather straight into the bosom of Abraham?

Lord, please keep my childhood innocence safe and content.  Because it can never be returned to me.

Lost and Found (A Soldiers Prayer); Fictional for some but not for others

Although this is a fictional prayer for me it is not fictional for everyone!

Lord,  I have misplaced a part of myself somewhere.  I looked underneath my couch cushions, then I tore apart the garbage disposal; just in case it had fell down the drain like my ring that fell down there last week.  I cleaned out the bottom of my hall closet, bedroom closet, and even the pantry.  Sadly. the me that I was before was not even there.  Not even on the back burner where I could have sworn was where I left her.

Lord, you know all and sees all.  Could you tell me where she is?  The smiling and happy go lucky me that enjoyed life and meeting new people.  The person that I use to be before I was deployed overseas.

Lord, even though I have been home for a while, sometimes I still feel as if I am once again overseas.  There are times I reality dream that I am hiding down in a fox hole with bullets flying over my head; A few of which had come close to giving me a permanent part.  As I watch a lot of my fellow comrades  fall to the ground as if someone had pushed the first domino in the chain.  At the same time a warm watery acid substance begin falling on me.  I come to and find myself sitting in the tub fully naked underneath a shower set on the hottest temperature.

But, Lord, this is just the beginning.  The one reality dream that scares me the most is when I find myself fighting an enemy in hand to hand contact.  Only to awaken and find that instead I am fighting my spouse, another family member, or even a complete stranger.  On one of these occasion, when I came back to reality and found out that the enemy I was attacking was my spouse I ran out into the street and laid down on the center line in the fetal position.  Of course the police were called and now I find myself in the Psych ward of my local veterans hospital.

Lord, please tell me where I left the old me.

A Ram in the Bush

Genesis 21-22:18

Abraham wanted to have a child with his wife Sarah.  Since Abraham was a faithful servant to God at the age of 100, God opened Sarah womb and she gave birth to a son named Isaac. 

One day God called to Abraham and instructed him to take his only son to the region of Moriah and sacrifice his son on a mountain there.  Abraham immediately obeyed God and went to Moriah and found the mountain that God had spoken of.  But, when he placed the knife in his hands an Angel from God stopped him and told him to sacrifice a ram that was caught in some thickets or bush.  After Abraham had sacrificed the ram God told him that he was going to bless him by making descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky, they would take possession of their enemies land, and all of them will be blessed because he (Abraham) obeyed him (God).

Abraham had to travel three days to find his lamb in the bush, how far are you from finding your next blessing from God?

This is why I am telling you, no matter how hard and difficult, things get keep pushing on .  Because your find your ram in the bush in the next step you make or around the next corner you peek around.

Love you!

Be blessed!

Fictional Poem-Story

     One day I sat on the shoulder of a giant watching Saturn's rings, when I told him;
"I want a home."
     He whispered to my spirit;
"I have a home already picked out for you."
     Then he slowly began to lower himself;
past the stars until he entered the earths atmosphere.
    He showed me my country,
then my state,
     my street (block);
and then my month by month home.
     (no lease required).
He then placed me in a sack;
     filled with the warmest and soothing water;
and kept descending.
     Past the concrete into a world that most have been hot.
For through the cracks I heard people asking for water;
     in not so nice words.

Three days later;
     He stopped by to say goodbye.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
     "My work here is done." He answered.
"What is your name?'
     "My father calls me his one and only son."
"What do I call you?"
     "Son of every one's father."

How to read the Bible in first person

The grammatical term 'first person' is partially defined as; "...the viewpoint of a character writing or speaking directly about themselves."

This is the way that I urge you to read, and try to comprehend, the Bible by using a simple technique.  Whenever, and wherever, you read the words you or thou and replace it with I.

As an example, let's imagine that we are reading or studying the Ten Commandments.  The first Commandment listed says; "Thou shall have no other gods before me."  As you are reading it read it as; "I shall not have any other gods before God."

Warning!  God warns us against changing his words to fit our own personal agendas or purpose.  Which is why I pray that I would not change or suggest to other to change, to do so.

Where is my copy of the parenting handbook?

It has been twelve years since I became a parent and I have yet to receive my copy of the official parenting handbook.  which have lead me to believe that: 1: there is a back log of order or 2: My copy was sent to my old address.

Seasonal Changes

Ecclesiastes 3:1: "For everything thee is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..."

My current season: To wait on God while still steadily moving forward.

Hunger Pains

Genesis 16:4 states: Then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down manna from heaven for you.  The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day." (NIV)

My hunger: Overcoming fear of heights

My manna: Learning to trust God while looking over the roof's ledge.

Out with the old-In with the new

2 Corinthians 5:17 states: "Therefore, If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

My progress: In the midst of my transformation.

A few paragraphs from life

Lately I have been searching the chapters and verses of the Bible to find a particular verse.  Maybe you can help me find it.  I am looking for the verse where God clearly states that one race or person is better than the other.  The one that causes him to contradict himself.

While I was still trying to find the verse, I came across a verse that contradicts my own question.

In Romans 2:11 the Apostle Paul says: "For there is no respect of person with God."

Then in Acts 10:34 Peter confirms what Paul says.  Peter says: " I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism."

So, if I have successfully found two verses that confirms, for me, that God does not show favoritism I now challenge you to direct me to one verse that proves and supports that He, God. does support one or person over another.

Take your time.  I will wait.  but, will not hold my breath.

Her spirtit was tired..so God recalled it

These next couple of blogs will not only be a continuation of introducing you to the two female matriarchs of my life, and give you an in depth introduction to me; at least until I reach the point when I feel comfortable revealing to you, but I will also begin sharing with you the point when their spirits began to grow weak and so God called the home.

Please, understand I am not writing about death to be morbid.  Instead, I am hoping and praying that it will either comfort someone going through it, have gone through it, or is on the verge of loosing someone.  I am writing these blogs to let you know that whatever you are feeling during this difficult time that the feelings you are having is normal.

PLEASE ENJOY!  AND SUSCRIBE AND LEAVE A COMMENT; POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.

In depth Part dos

My Grandmother brought my mother into this world in 1935 inserting her in the predetermined position from God, as her youngest child of seven.  She spent most of her childhood trying to keep up with her older brothers; Her only sister was a lot older then she was and had a family of her own.  Until she graduated high school in 1955 venturing out on her own at the beginning of the Civil Right Movement. 

I do not know at what point in her adult life that she met my father.  However, in 1960's she gave birth to her second child Sandra.  Who I never had the chance to meet because she was born lactose intolerant during a time when milk alternatives, such as soy milk, had not been developed.  Although my mon kept trying to feed her regular milk she was unable to keep enough on her stomach to survive.

For the next six years she went on to give birth to six children.  The youngest one being my brother Rodney.   Whom I say was born to be called home; He was still borne.  This unfortunate and untimely situation caused me to become known as the youngest daughter of my grandmother's youngest daughter.

 

In depth background

I entered this earth in the month of March during the mid 1960's and began coming into myself throughout the 1970's.  A time when the Civil Rights Movement was being fueled, in part, by the deaths of Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., and President John F. Kennedy.  This was the third part of my world.  A world that included sitting on the front porch of my grandmother's house listening to my oldest cousins tell how they had been mistreated by the infamous man.

For all of the negativity that I was over hearing from the males in my family it was off set by the two main female matriarch's of my family; my mother and my grandmother.

My Grandmother Viola was born in 1895 a mere thirty two years after President Abraham Lincoln issued The Emancipation Proclamation.  Since she was the first born of two children, she was required to help mother take care of her youngest brother and help with the up keep of their house work and whatever wash, and other household duties, that she was doing for other families.  Her work load was added to whenever harvest season came whenever she was needed to help out in either the tobacco or cotton fields of North Carolina.

In 1908 at the age of thirteen she gave birth to her first child.  A child who light complexion, my grandmother was the complexion of a lightened dark chocolate, left no doubt that his father was white.  Whenever he would visit I often found myself silently wondering was he conceived out of unrequited love or enraged hatred and curiosity.  But I never dared asked her which method of conception was the case.  Because, although she only stood four feet nine, and weighed 120 pounds soaking wet, her hands held a whole lot of listen to me and follow the rules power. 

She went on to give birth to six more children the youngest one being my mother.  Which genetically made me her (Grandmother) youngest daughter's youngest daughter.

My Two Worlds Part Dos

I have enjoyed reading from the point when I learned that combining letters in the alphabets together make words. Then the art of writing became a joy to me once I learned to compose my first complete sentence.  At the time it was a means to pass time why my siblings and cousins were out side playing; I have never enjoyed participating in sports since I discovered that it causes you to sweat and causes your clothes to stick to you.  YUCK!

However as I began to struggle being excepted by my classmates for being true to myself it became a much needed release for all of my pent up emotions.  The words that were blocked, by the anvil that was weighting down my tongue. found their escape path through my pen. 

While I was discovering the joy of writing I also discovered the joy of  reading.  Particularly how writers use their words to place the reader in to a different world without having to purchase a plane ticket. This is when my God giving gift sprouted another branch with a leaves titled writing, gift, limitless.

The when and why revealed

The biggest difference in my two worlds is that at school I felt alone and at home, being the youngest of five, I would have given anything for some time to myself.  Little did I know that both of my worlds where actually teaching me the same lesson of since I did not have any one else around to distract my concentration I only had to focus on myself; and of course God.

Since neither one of them had met before, I made the introductions.

Me: (nervously) Hey?

Self: Hey.

Me: Who are you?

Self: I am the true self of you.

Me: (excitedly) Wow! So, you can tell me who I am?

Self: Not, really.

Me: (disappointed) Why not?

Self: Because, I learn who I am when you learn who you are.

Me: (I say a curse word and then look around to make sure my mother or grandmother did not hear me.)


I do not remember if I prayed or simply accepted it, continue on with my day,  or that it simply slipped my mind.  But I do know, a number of years later, that step by step Me and Myself are continually discovering who we are each second or every day.

I said that to say this there will be days when you will become so confused about what your purpose on Earth is or who you are; Just stay calm, pray, and continue on with your life.  Because from the point of our conception God had our lives all planned out and preset delayed times when he will reveal our blessings and gifts to us. 

As he did for me.

Exceeding the speed limit

When I began this blog and promised to post every Monday and Friday I now realize that I neglected a important part of the equation; Life happening.  I thank God that the reason that I am not posting the continuation of My two worlds is not because of sickness, death, or some horrific situation.  But mismanagement of time. 

But do not fear I will post the next installment at the earliest over the weekend or at the latest Monday,

Please enjoy and take the time to leave a comment.

My Two Worlds

From the time that I was old enough to notice that I was spending my days living in two different worlds,  I would ask God, on a daily basis why ?

Why does my family loved me unconditionally and some of my classmates treat me as if I was created from a completely different God then them?

Most of school began with a breakfast of hot cocoa and oatmeal, in winter and summer, getting dressed, and then waiting with my siblings at the end of our driveway for the bus.  Usually my Grandmother would fix our breakfast and make sure that we were dressed presentably because my mom was either working third shift or had all ready left for her first shift job.  However, once I disembarked the school bus my world completely changed

From the first day I walked into Kindergarten it felt as if, at least to me, that my classmates had held a private meeting during the summer and had elected me the class target for the next ten years of my Primary education.  My school day usually consisted of being the bulls eye for my classmates spit wads, pen tops, erasers, and deconstructed paper clips.  Then before my bus number is called I would ask to be excused to go to the bathroom.  So that I could make sure that I could check to see and pick out any of my class mates ammo that may have become stuck in my hair.

The answers to why I lived in these two different worlds came to me at different points in my life. 

sometimes life happens

I must apologize, but todays bog, March 4, 2016 will be posted on Wednesday March 6. Fridays blog will be posted as usual.  Please forgive me because sometimes life happens.

SEE YOU ON WEDNESDAY!!

A Brief Statement Part 2

In Monday's blog I gave you an explanation of the premise behind A Sarcastic Million Dollar Question.  I am going to continue with that same topic today.  First let me say that by no means do think of myself as being better than anyone else or that I am perfect and follow all of God's commandments.  Secondly, I want to tell you why defending God's word is no important to me.

From a young age I felt as if God tied my words to my tongue with an anvil for a specific reason.  To block my words from escaping from my mouth verbally so that they could remain in my mind to await the arrival of others.  Locked away in a safe place until the time when He was ready to escape, not via my mouth but instead through whatever writing instruments that I was holding in my hand at that precise moment.

It took me a while to accept this especially during my preteen and teenage years.  Because this is when my words may have helped me to at the least be allowed to stand on the outskirts of my two totally different worlds; home and school.

A brief explanation

I am going to use this blog to give you a brief explanation of the premise behind A Sarcastic Million Dollar Question.

1) I am not giving away a million dollars!

2) There is no correct or definite answer to these prose questions!

3) Having lived on this earth for fifty plus years I have witnessed people using God's words to either defend their though  process or to use it to get others think that it is okay for them to also act that way as Christians, because God forgives us of our sins.  Although God does forgive us of our sins, ask yourself :"How much do I want to answer for on Judgment day?"

Take for example my first post A Sarcastic Question.  It may be obvious to some, or all, that I am addressing how some of us hold an entire race responsible for the actions of one single individual.  Notice I said 'we'.  I am also far from perfect and have made this incorrect judgment call myself..  But as I continue to grow in my belief and faith, I feel that God is constantly showing me the attributes and false beliefs that I have to erase from my thought process.  So, as I learn new things I will be passing them on to you.

4) This is the most important, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Enjoy, have a blessed day, and leave a comment.

A Sarcastic Question

 You are standing before God on judgement day answering for your sins when He ask you the following question:

"Why didn't you like a particular person?"

Without pausing for a second you reply:

"Because of what they did to my ancestors."

God then asks:

"I want you to give me an example of a particular event or incident of how this person mistreated you or your ancestors."

God then pauses for a split second and says:

"Remember I was there."

Would you be able to, or willing to, defend your hatred while standing before God?